


Prosaic Retellings of Chemical Reactions

by SincerelyChaos



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Chemistry, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Implied Consent, Johnlock Roulette, M/M, Neurology & Neuroscience, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-08 08:28:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4297731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SincerelyChaos/pseuds/SincerelyChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Love is a romantic designation for a most ordinary biological—or, shall we say, chemical—process … a lot of nonsense is talked and written about it.”</p><p>("Ninotchka"; 1939)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cortisol

**Author's Note:**

> Love - explained through chemical reactions observed. 
> 
> (A somewhat subjective case study on the impact of certain neurotransmitters on an previously sound mind.)
> 
> My grasp of The English Language is here improved by the beta of iriswallpaper; all my thanks! 
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Cortisol levels were significantly higher amongst those subjects who had recently fallen in love, as compared with those who had not." 
> 
> (http://www.psyneuen-journal.com/article/S0306-4530(03)00161-6/abstract)

_Finally._

It's all there on the screen. Pathetically simple, really.

Must have called you over ( _one of those things that hardly register anymore; too mundane_ ) because the sounds in the kitchen stop. Unhurried steps approach me. Silent steps; toed your shoes of. Feet tired from two extra shifts at the clinic and extended walking while doing case work last night ( _morning_ ). 

 

You're behind me now; _a peripheral view of an indistinct form in the corner of an eye, sounds of breathing a few inches above shoulder, somatosensory perceptions of proximity. Smell; cheap soap (chamomile), raw carrots (what you were doing in the kitchen before I called you over; salad?), generic shaving foam, slight sweat._

These things shouldn’t register as clearly as they do; the senses do get dulled when constantly exposed to the same stimulus. There’s no reason my brain to bring this information into my conscious awareness. It doesn’t hold any new information. And still.

You lean closer, looking over my shoulder to get a view of the detailed map over north London on the screen. 

Absent-minded hum. You're thinking.

Allowing you time to see what I've already figured out; there's no reason for the client to pass by that particular street on her way home. Walking two miles extra after a night spent dancing in stilettoes is highly unlikely. Arriving home in time to be seen by a neighbor passing in a car on his way to work after said detour would not only be unlikely, but impossible. There; can now prove client to be a liar. Boring; was obvious right from the initial questioning on the events of that Tuesday night. People oblivious of their own tells under stressful circumstances. _Ignorance_.

You speak. Your words echo my own deductions from a few seconds ago. It ought to be tediously reitarative.

( _Isn’t._ )

 

 

_Enough._

Slam the laptop shut and get up from chair fast but uncoordinated; muscles rigid from prolonged sitting. Ignore it. Need to get phone, need to deliver the ( _boring_ ) solution to the case to Lestrade.

Not looking at you; already know how you look when you take a cautious step back in order not to be too close when I lunge and begin to pace around. Facial expression slightly amused, but attempting to hide it with a frown; don't want to encourage my "theatrics". Isn't theatrics; is impatience. Want to put an end to boring case; takes up space on internal harddrive that could be used to more intricate problems.

 _Still_ ; Aware of you in a way that’s not entirely comfortable; my nervous system displaying unwarranted responses to mundane occurrences; _illogical_. The proximity to a loaded gun in the hands of a desperate suspect warrants an increase in cortisol levels. Proximity to you doesn't.

 _Still;_  As you leaned in; brain reacted like you'd pulled out a gun. Threat. Fight or flight.

( _No. That's not right. Would not be afraid if you were to pull out a gun. Would find it rather intriguing_.)

 

 _Stress response_ ; muscular tension, increased pulse rate ( _being aware of own heart’s contractions and expansions is highly uncomfortable when not driven by adrenaline_ ), breathing rate increased. Illogical; you were only leaning in to watch my screen and make obvious observations. Not stressful; ordinary, boring, predictable.

Observations would imply that my recently increased levels of cortisol are partially dependent on social interactions.

( _You are the sole common denominator._ )

Not oblivious as to the implications of this; disinterest in the area ( _sentiment_ ) does not equal inadequate ability to draw conclusions from data. 

( _Nervous system traitorous and inconvenient_.)

You're impressed by the speed in which I put the evidence together and deliver the solution; it's displayed blatantly by your appreciative look.

Look away; suddenly experiencing a new ( _unwarranted_ ) release of cortisol or adrenaline. Not taking the time to differentiate between them; end result still the same.

Tachycardia.

 

Sentiment manifesting itself visibly due to chemical responses in brain.

Not ignorant to own tells, unlike client.

( _Keep face averted while retriving phone_.)

 


	2. Dopamine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Activation specific to the beloved occurred in the right ventral tegmental area and right caudate nucleus, dopamine-rich areas associated with mammalian reward and motivation. These and other results suggest that dopaminergic reward pathways contribute to the "general arousal" component of romantic love; romantic love is primarily a motivation system, rather than an emotion; this drive is distinct from the sex drive; romantic love changes across time; and romantic love shares biobehavioral similarities with mammalian attraction."
> 
> http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16255001

 

 

_Exposure in order to confirm or contradict hypothesis._

Been exposing myself to you and then withdrawn. Several times. You are looking at me the way you do when you suspect that I’m up to something. ( _Am_.)

 

_Exposed to you_ : stress response still prominent. And yet. Rewarding. Not only tachycardia - also feeling intensely alive in a way that reminds me of things you say I can’t have (“ _-ine_ things”. Nicot _ine_. Coca _ine_.)

_Blocked from you:_ a drop. Coming off a high only to find that reality is even more distastefully boring than it was when you escaped it. Now. Need new escape. New high. _Addiction_.

 

You don’t like addiction but you struggle with it just like I do. I’m your supplier, adrenal _ine_ your drug of choice. I don’t mind. I’ve tasted the product - high quality. Will only provide you with the best ( _locked room murders and late night chases through abandoned buildings_ \- top class. No diluted substitutes. No horror movies instead of real danger. Important clients won't return if the product is less than satisfactory.)

  
  
  


 

Leave the kitchen - _a surge, a drop, hesitance I’m not accustomed to._

Return to the kitchen (you look up, inquiringly) - _a rush, something… tingling? Makes me want to move around. Express myself._ (I don’t. No reason for joyful expressions - no serial killings, no decapitated nuns.)

Leave the kitchen again - (same result. No new data, just confirming.)

Return to the kitchen once more (you are ignoring me now, very pointedly so.) - _and the rush is mixed with something a bit more edgy; disappointment_?

  
  
  


 

“Sherlock, are you trying to keep an eye on me?”

Your voice. Yes. Even more of that feeling. Rush. Not yet turned into a 'high'.

(I don’t answer. _Inane question_.)

“Have you not been sleeping again, then? You know you need to sleep when you get compulsive. I won’t stand for more reorganisations cutlery and pans. And stop staring at me like that, whatever experiment or energy release you’re thinking of using me for is out of the question.”

(That cutlery reorganisation only happened once - _surprised that you connected it with my insomnia_. Brilliant. More rush. More tingling. Almost high.)

Won’t admit to anything - _this all too unverified to draw any conclusions_.

Though my hypothesis has turned into a strong theory. Not sure you would like it.

  
  
  


 

Confirming data takes two days.

_Significant results_ \- decreased need for sleep, something that could possibly be described as ‘pleasure’ (‘High’ is more appropriate), almost complete lack of appetite (annoys you) and boundless energy (you disapprove of my methods of using said energy but I need to move around. Inside the flat. Data collecting only possible near the subject in question.)

  
  
  


 

The “ _-ine_ things”;   I’m denied nicot _ine_ and coca _ine_. We don’t talk about adrenal _ine_.

So. Can I have this - _ine_?

_This_ \- dopam _ine_.

  
( _You should have a say in this, I assume, since you’re the supplier. You never liked being an enabler to your sister, so how do you feel about this, then?_ )


	3. Serotonin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Love lowers serotonin levels, which is common in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. This may explain why we concentrate on little other than our partner during the early stages of a relationship."
> 
> http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/02/140206155244.htm

 

 

This ( _you_ ) disrupts things.

 

Reading files stolen from Lestrade. ( _The sound of you huffing from the bathroom - I forgot to replace toilet paper roll._ )

Washing test tubes. ( _Your tea still on the table - half drunk._ )

Stakeout at London Eye. ( _Black jacket brushing grey coat when you shift your weight from leg to leg._ )

Talking to Mrs Hudson. ( _A brief mention of your name - tachycardia, uncalled for._ )

Adjusting the sheets underneath me, insomnia being worse than usual. ( _In two hours and thirty-four minutes your alarm will go off. For now - you sleep above me, soundless. Wish you didn’t. On either of those things._ )

 

Your shifts at the clinic are too long.

  
  


 

**eg7Ui89**

[enter]

(Access.)

Using a password generator might have worked if you hadn’t used a service that was easy to hack.

Disorganised, your laptop. Folders containing folders. Still desktop cluttered. An exception to your military order. Intriguing, _always_. (Too much of that - _everything can’t be intriguing_ \- there’s a potential that important details are missed when one simply can’t prioritise the importance of the data.)

Emails. Loathe all senders until they’re proven to be writing about cases or work. Update and check daily. _Compulsion. Restlessness_. Now check three times daily if given opportunity.

Should be searching for electronic traces of supposedly kidnapped victim. Can’t be bothered. ( _Searching your electronic traces instead._ )

 

( _Access_.)

  


 

You disrupt me.

Chemical alterations of the brain resembling those seen in OCD. _Obsessions_ \- compulsions.

(It isn’t the insomnia that’s causing that, by the way. _Not this time_.)

Your hair - _sun bleached sand and crushed, grey seashells_ \- is three inches from my face. Standing in line - _hateful_. Tesco - _loud and overly bright_. Insisting to come was my mistake. Still. Crowd keeps pushing forward. Walking into you.

 _Intentional_?

(Yes.)

(Lying to self: _pointless_.)

  
  


 

You disrupt things. _Again_.

“Can I…?”

Fingers - _nimble, deft, calloused, warm, dry, slightly trembling_ \- touching my jaw. Nerve endings overstimulated but still constantly firing. Not used to this kind of sensory stimulation.

( _Can’t get used to._ _See no potential for tolerance building_.)

Nodding.

Hoping you feel the slight movement under your fingers. Not sure if it is even visually detectable. Don’t want to disrupt things by sudden movements. Me - _an unintentional observer of something wild that is not yet aware of me and thus not disturbed by my presence_. Any sound or movement will give me away.

 _Fingers_ \- now stroking hair back behind my ear. (Why?  _It’s too short to be held back that way. As your fingers leave it will just..._ )

( _Never mind._ )

 _Faces_ \- as you get closer it all gets blurry. There are no sharp edges.

 _Breaths_ \- sharing oxygen and carbon dioxide. Warm humidity and the distinct smell of cereal.

 _No breaths_.

 _Instead_ : lips - _tongues_ \- angling - _lingual papillae_ \- noses colliding - _saliva_. Your hands have life of their own: in my hair, on my shoulders, cheekbone, nape, skull base. My hands are still obeying my orders.

Pressing closer. Your breaths now perceptible in another way - _your rib cage expands almost in time with mine_. Fast. Illogical need to merge chests into each other even more. Won’t, though. Would disrupt breathing. Breathing’s boring but vital. ( _I never told you that last bit, did I?_ )

 _Disrupting_.

 

( _Everything_ is disrupted.)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The mechanism of the obsession-like state that's likely caused by low serotonin levels in the brains of people who are in love is also used as a plot in another fic (Patterns of Silver Birds). Not saying that I find this disturbingly intriguing, but well... I do.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Research suggests that oxytocin interacts closely with the neural pathways responsible for processing motivationally relevant stimuli. In particular, oxytocin appears to impact dopaminergic activity within the mesocorticolimbic dopamine system, which is crucial not only for reward and motivated behavior but also for the expression of affiliative behaviors."
> 
> http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23850525

 

 

Am by no means certain that I like what you do to my serotonin levels, but the way you make dopamine and oxytocin levels rise is enough to tip this fragile neurochemical balance over in a favourable way. Yes. ( _Very much so_ ).

 

 _Underneath_ ; leather sofa, responding to the weight of our bodies. Pressure relief. Smooth against the skin on my back.

 _Above_ ; weight, skin, lips, tongue, oral cavity, pressure, chest hair, hands, distinct pressure against my hip. ( _You_.)

 

Sandwiched between dead skin and skin very much alive. Between something that takes my pressure and something that gives pressure. Usually prefer things that can take rather than give. ( _Not in this_.)

 _Chest compressed_. Adequate breaths impossible. Might account for increased dizziness. Light head - heavy limbs. Should be suffocating. ( _Isn't_.)

 

 

We can have this now.

( _You can have me now_.)

(Can I have you?)

(Will not make assumptions - _dangerous_. Current data seems promising, though. Although there might be some cognitive bias involved. And your mouth. It's involved.)

 

 

 _Skin_. Skin-to-skin contact from pectorals to trouser linings. Skin cells merging together ( _impossible_ ).

 _Hands_. Mine underneath your unbuttoned shirt - warm skin _flexing scapula_ every vertebra casing the delicate nerves that sends and receives information about movement and sensory data. Urge to protect. Human body shouldn't need to take as much damage as yours have. Spinal column inadequate to protect the transmission of nerve signals from your brain. Must not break _crack_ dislocate _disrupt_. (Won't.)

Illogical intrusive thoughts. Hard to recognise and file away. Filing requires focus on the task at hand. Focus only on skin pressure warmth breathing now.

( _You disrupt me again_ \- this is part of a pattern I've been too obtuse to acknowledge.)

 

You still. _Did I just do someth..?_

 _Oh_.

I stopped kissing back - _distracted_. You thought... _No_.

Tilting head up, kissing you back with focus.

( _You're not allowed to think that I... this. You're not allowed to doubt me on this_.)

Filling your mouth with my tongue. Slipping on enamel, licking the span of your palate. Your jaw slacking - allowing further invasion of oral cavity.

You invaded a country. I'm invading the invader. ( _Meta-invasion_.)

 

Fingers trail down skin rendered hypersensitive. Reaching lining of trousers. Fingers hesitate.

Mouth doesn't.

You suddenly fight back against the invasion - reclaiming the role as the invader.

(Letting you do so.)

(Will let you do _more_.) 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written partly on a mattress on the floor to the sound of several other Sherlockians sleeping in the room.
> 
> Thank you guys for this lovely weekend of 221b-Sverige.
> 
> (You're all late sleepers, just so you know.)


	5. Vasopressin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "One study has suggested that genetic variation in male humans affects pair-bonding behavior. The brain of males uses vasopressin as a reward for forming lasting bonds with a mate, and men with one or two of the genetic alleles are more likely to experience marital discord. The partners of the men with two of the alleles affecting vasopressin reception state disappointing levels of satisfaction, affection, and cohesion.
> 
> Vasopressin receptors distributed along the reward circuit pathway, to be specific in the ventral pallidum, are activated when AVP is released during social interactions such as mating, in monogamous prairie voles. The activation of the reward circuitry reinforces this behavior, leading to conditioned partner preference, and thereby initiates the formation of a pair bond."
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasopressin

 

  


Finding it hard to admit to making of erroneous assumptions.

The way you swallow me down does, however, suggest that faulty assumptions were made. Sexual tongue technique is not fully transferable between female and male genitalia. Current skill level of tongue currently _licking_ circling _lapping_ swirling _pressing_ me clearly points to previous experience with male genitalia.

 _Erroneous assumption_ : John Watson has never before engaged in sexual activity with someone with male genitalia.

 

Pressure of your arm over my iliac crests. Uneven weight distribution contributes to the way your body sways slightly as you use other hand to direct my penis in more favorable angle for…

 _Aah_.

Angle - _tilt_ \- repressed gag reflex - _yes_ \- clear evidence: _faulty assumption_.

( _Unsure whether to be relieved or jealous_.)

 

Lips - _mine_ \- still tingles from prolonged pressure. Skin - _mine_ \- slightly stiff from dried saliva (jaw _clavicles_ sternum _iliac crest - you favor prominent bones_?). Penis - _mine_ \- enclosed in warm wet mucous tissue. Mouth - _yours_ \- skillful.

Did not expect this rapid progress of physical activities. Had calculated on a vast period of groping and kissing due to your inexpertise in the current activities. _Miscalculation._

( _This erroneous assumption more favourable than the previous_.)

  
  
  


_Movement_.

Retraction - _you pull off_. Sudden air feels chilly against saliva wet skin. Sense of loss. ( _Illogical_.)

The sound of vacuum releasing. Obscene sound. _Childish sound_.

( _Suddenly understand references to lollipops_.)

 

Physical urge to thrust up - mouth still slightly open inches from exposed glans. Hand still holding penis angled. Heavy breathing stimulating against erectile tissue. Want to - _need to_ \- press in. ( _Don’t._ )

Your eyes opens. Meet mine. Sudden psychosomatic pressure over sternum. Partial loss of breath.

(Won’t press in - _take_ \- demand.)

( _You make this complicated_ \- brain filled with conflicting hormones. Inconsequential need to _hold-soothe-stroke-kiss_  simultaneously to _thrust-fuck-grab-take_.)

Oxytocin conflicts with testosterone - vasopressin in showdown with adrenaline.

Attachment ( _sentiment_ ) in battle with lust ( _biology_ ).

 _Vasopressin_ \- increasing pair bonding in certain species of prairie voles. In human male levels increases during arousal phase and decreases after ejaculation. Believed to have similar effects on humans as prairie voles. Useless in homosexual males - no need for pair bonding to ensure survival of offspring. ( _Pointless_.)

Detest both sentiment and pointless biology. Prefer logic.

(Logic holds no place in this.)

  
  
  
  


Pressure against lips renewed.

Your mouth more slack now - _jaw tender from fellatio_? Unsure what to do with own tongue. Yours only touching mine briefly between sloppy movements of lips. Curious taste of own fluids as I lick inside your lips.

 _Want_.

Want to penetrate - _suck_ \- press - _simultaneously encircle both erections_ \- be fingered - _be fucked_.

Want - _not to want so many thing_. Too many options. Executive functions impaired by prolonged and heightened exposure to every neurotransmitter except serotonin. Can’t make choices. Can’t decide upon anything that excludes something else.

(Sentiment contrary to brain work.)

Not needing - _loving_ \- would be better.

( _John_.)

  
  
  


Need to research the possibility to build tolerance against exposure of neurotransmitters associated with attachment. Their effect on you seems much less impairing.

You chose a direction for this.

(Almost thankful.)

 

Weight of your body on mine. Bare skin. You shift down slightly - our hips now aligned. More things aligned - heavy _damp_ darkening… _Oh_.

 _Friction_.

 _Pressure_.

 

Now no longer need cognitive functions. Nervous system seemingly working without conscious directive from brain. Hips moves of own accord - increasing _friction_ pressure _warmth_ proximity _peripheral vasodilation_.

Everything is warm red. Can’t keep eyes open - _when_? Missing data. Sensory data passing neurons in brain without registering.

(Need data. Need this. _Need_.)

 _Sounds_. Yours - mine. Hard to distinguish. Breathing sounds - laboured. Desperate sounds - hopefully yours.

 

Breaking away from your mouth. Lack of oxygen to brain making things hazy. Need mouth to breathe. Need you in order not to feel… _wanting_. Pressing head into space between your shoulder and neck. Skin against skin. Damp. Warm. Your body rocking, making it hard to hold position. Still manages.

Pressing my fingers into flesh, feeling gluteus maximus contract and expand underneath the layer of subcutaneous fat tissue. Using grip to force your pelvis harder to mine. Unsynchronised rocking and thrusting. Erratic.

Want to look. Want to see… _This_.

( _Can’t._ )

 

Muscular tension increases and liquid - _something_ \- pooling up around pelvis and inner thighs.

_Getting. Close._

Your movements quicker and growing more and more erratic. No longer making vocal sounds - only tachypnea and ungraceful grunting.

( _Want to make you… want to give you. Something._ )

Using remaining energy to thrust up, press together - your movements to desperate to offer you release now. Inefficient. Will give you this.

(Sentiment hazy from neurochemicals. Acting without logic.)

Air supply insufficient. Burning sensation in bronchi. Will not be able to keep this up for much longer. _Need to_.

 

“I…”

Words interrupted by sudden jerks. Your body stiffens - _jerks_ \- stiffens. Hot splash of semen against stomach almost not registering amongst the myriad of sensations caused by your hoarse grunts and now fully tensed and arched body. Feel pressure against pelvis decrease.

( _Intolerable_.)

Thrusting up, pressing you down again with my hands on your buttocks. Forcing you to be the pressure and the friction that I…

There, _almost_ … that, _yes_. _Can’t_ …

 

( _Finally_.)

 

Pressure spilling out - tension building up - as every nerve signals and everything drowns in release of reward and pleasure hormones - orgasm and release.

Snapping hips blindly, clumsily, needlessly. Pumping out everything - _anything_ \- something until the overstimulation almost feels like relief. Then. _Finally_.

 

 _Silence_.

 

Breaths.

Muscles twitching. Almost-pain located inside thighs.

The weight of you. Always the weight of you. Now slumped heavily on top of me. Chest heaving. Leg cramping slightly.

Adjusting leg with some effort.

(Brain not turned off as it sometimes is after masturbation. No - _thoughts spinning relentlessly_. Unable to grasp any of them. Noise floor built of mercury thoughts and near-painful sensations feels almost like silence.)

 

Adjusting myself more - _your knee digging painfully into my thigh_. Pushing you slightly until you roll to the side - pressed up against me and still half-covering me.

Adjusting myself.

(Adjusting to _this_ \- alterations in neurotransmission, chemical pair bonding, physical stimulation, to need something - _someone_.)

(Adjusting to this - _you_.)

 

( _Us_.)

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content.
> 
> Finished something - slight feeling of accomplishment.
> 
> Still.
> 
> Persistant feeling of something missing - illogical.
> 
> Now - will adjust writing pattern to third person instead of first.
> 
> First - thanking people - actual exsisting living breathing people - for comments and kudos and encouragement. Hesitant to say how much it means - want/hope is a sentiment that's uncomfortable to me.
> 
> Still - thank you. Wishing you lots of dopamine and sufficient levels of serotonin.
> 
> (me - sincerely-chaos@tumblr)
> 
> (just. in case. anything. really.)


End file.
